Polite at 40,000 miles high

CATCHING UP
We have just returned from spring vacation, were we spent a few days in the cold, rainy and SNOWY mid-west. I have been storing up adventures since taking a few weeks off of writing and the napkin notes are piling up. To catch you up on how the manner training is going, I have to share my insight into the overall project at hand. After starting this blog and hoping to teach my kids a "new manner" each day, I begun to realize that it took much longer than a few hours to ingrain a behavior into my children's actions. A friend who read my blog, commented by saying, “well, this is life” meaning to her it is an everyday task on which she works. It got me thinking that perhaps my goal of refining my boys in 1 years time was not achievable. Perhaps raising polite boys will take me a lifetime or 18 years at least to achieve. Regardless of the length of time, my mission remains clear. Tame my wild boys and teach them the rules for acting well behaved in society. I didn’t realize when I wrote this what that really meant until I wrote this next section.

MANNER #8 - Look a person in the eyes and ask politely for something you need.
The Rules:
1) Look the person in the eyes before you speak.
2) Speak loud enough for the person to hear you.
3) Use polite language, such as Please and May I. Do not say, “I want.”
4) Smile friendly at the end, showing the person you respect them.

PUBLIC VS PRIVATE
I took my lessons to the sky as we flew home, 40,000 miles above the ground. Who knows why I decided a noisy plane was a good place to enforce this rule. We had previously practiced at a few restaurants much to the annoyance of the glassed-over-eyed servers who desperately wanted to leave our table. Here it was, the moment of truth, engine noise blaring as we were, of course, seated over the wing. I instructed Henry, “look at the flight attendant and say, May I please have some apple juice.” He looked up and repeated what I had said, like a good little robot. Perhaps she didn’t hear me whisper the cues to him. Because she was surprised and delighted. She responded in her southern charm way, “Well now aren’t you the cutest, most polite little boy… May I please?” Then she looks at me approvingly, “He is so sweet.” I smile back and said, “Thank you.” But my thoughts were thinking, thank goodness you didn’t see him in the car on the way to airport burping so loud you’d think he was a 50 year old man. Or even 5 minutes ago in the cramped bathroom, where I was scrunched up in the corner, worried the waiting passengers might have heard him declare, “My penis gets larger when I fart.” No, she only saw the sweet little polite boy. And that is I guess what I aiming for. Not a stuffy boy who is not allowed to be loud and have fun at home. But boys who when in public, know how to behave, be polite, courteous and helpful. I now understand it is the face that we put forward to the world that is the one that gives people a good impression about who we are. So it is, wild-n-crazy in private, polite and respectful in public. That, I think we can do.

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Manner # 7 - Napkin Do's

TO WIPE OR PAT YOUR MOUTH
Unfold your napkin half size if it is a large one and all the way if it is small. Put it on your lap where it should remain until you need to wipe your mouth.  It should be returned to your lap after wiping. When wiping your mouth, do NOT rub the napkin across your mouth.  You must pat your lips. Always wipe your mouth before you drink so that you will not leave any crumbs on your glass.  And never drink when you have food in your mouth, wait until you have swallowed.

MOMS TAKE & THE EXECUTION
Its been over a few weeks since I started implementing these manners.  And as usually it is a little lost on my 3 year old. I just sighed, but I am hopefully that if I lay the ground work someday it will all just miraculously happen.  But for my 5 year old, he has taken to it whole heartedly. He even surprises me sometimes.  I ask him to wipe his mouth, yes, I still have to tell him.  But I always kind of forget that I have instructed him to pat his mouth instead of wiping, and then he PATS his mouth.  I practically die of laughter (INSIDE, of course) and then look at his face which still has a TON of crumbs on it and sigh again.  Maybe this patting technique needs to be rethought. 

If you have kids like mine, their faces are so dirty sometime that even a chisel with hot rag scrub won't do the trick.  So a "Pat" seems a little silly.  But we'll try it and even though there was still food on his mouths after the pat, it was soooo cute to see Lukas do it.  I think we need to work on getting them totally clean before reaching the table and "patting" more frequently.  But forget about it if we are having spaghetti bolognese!

MANNER # 6 - What Not To Do at the Table

THE MANNER
So we have been working on knife and fork use, and as I previously mentioned the placement of the knife and fork when you complete your meal.  Specifically, when you are done you keep you napkin on your lap, never put it on the table.  When you are done and if leaving the table, you may fold it neatly and slide it under the right side of your plate.  You then should place your knife and fork across your plate pointing to 3 or 4 o'clock. This lets everyone know you are finished. 

MOMS TAKE
Okay, THEY DID IT. Tonight before dinner I prepared them and said that dinner would be ready soon and they should wash up and they stopped playing and went to wash their hands.  I put the food on the table and they arrived just as I called to them.  My goodness, that was easy.  Well, let's see if they can keep it up.  And btw, we had dinner guests.  Maybe they were a good influence on my boys?  Anyway, when the meal was over our guest announced, " I am done."  Lukas said, and I quote word for word, "You do not need to say that, just place your knife and fork across your plate and everyone will know you are finished." I almost died! It was too hilarious.  I was super proud of him.

THE EXECUTION
At breakfast we asked the boys to share what  were some bad manners at the table.  Here is what they said: 
No feet on the table (Lukas likes this rule in particular and reminds Henry frequently) 
No spinning your knife (Lukas said this - I guess he did listen yesterday!)
No shouting, No getting up from the table, No eating with your fingers. No elbows on the table.  Well, I guess they have been listening all along.  I was super excited.  So I am off to bed a happy mom.  Tomorrow - back to the table for more good manners.

MANNER #5 - TABLE MANNER BASICS

THE MANNER
Here is a list of a few basics which will get us started before we get into the more nit picky rules.

1. If you know it is getting close to dinner time, wash up so that when you are called, you can be ready to come right away.  It is rude to keep people waiting.
2. Go to the table as soon as you are called or the meal is announced for those of you out there who have private chefs or servants. 
3. Make yourself easy to look at as Ms. Tina suggests.  Make sure you are clean and presentable.  Clean shirt, clean face and hands and brushed hair. 
4. When you arrive at the table, do not start eating until all of the diners have arrived.

MOMS TAKE
Thank goodness it is finally here.  I have been teaching them table manners since the beginning of time, but some just don't stick.  We have implemented a knife and fork rule.  Meaning that at each meal they are giving the tools with which to eat properly.  They are shown how to use these eating tools and we hope that they are used.  We constantly remind them to use them.  Tonight, Lukas was using his knife as a spinning wheel. He moved his plate over and flicked his knife.  If spun around and around. Henry noticed how cool it looked and shoved his plate out of the way and proceeded to flick his knife.  I grabbed Henry's before it hot over his milk but was too far away from Lukas'.  I told him that a knife is to be used to cut your food and not as a toy.  After 5 times of spinning his mean and me telling him to stop, he lost his knife privilege. Is it him missing out or really manners who are missing out, because now he can not cut his food or eat right. Oh well, I guess the novelty of having a knife will wear off and the games will subside.   Henry on the other hand is particular to eating with his fingers.  A normal meal consists of me saying, "Use your fork" and "NO fingers" at least 100 times.

I have to watch them like a hawk.  If I leave the table or let me thoughts wonder for even a minute, I regret it.  Tonight when I was day dreaming?? Not sure, I look over to my right and Lukas is standing next to Henry tossing food in Henry's open mouth.  I have no idea how this started as I was sitting right next to them! I say, "No, no, no boys.  No throwing food in Henry's mouth."  Lukas responds by saying, but he has to eat all of his food if he wants dessert."  Although I really liked his explanation for the need to throw food in his brothers mouth and the fact that he was being very helpful to his brother, I couldn't let it continue.  It is day one of table manner after all, and I am on a mission.

THE EXECUTION
I usually get them to wash their hands before dinner, but combing their hair and changing their shirt? Who am I kidding.  And getting them to come to the table the first time I call, well I would probably faint.  But I explained to the rules and we will see how they do tomorrow at breakfast.

MANNER #4 - Know when and when not to introduce

THE MANNER
1. When you take a friend to someone's house, always introduce them to the people you see there.
2. If you meet someone on the street and they stop long enough to chat, always introduce them to the people that are with you.
3. Any friend you bring home with you should be introduced to your family members.
4. You do not need to introduce people who meet very briefly such as people coming out of a store, or church or office if you and a friend are going in.
NEVER let a friend wait around while you chat on and on to someone they do not know.

MOMS TAKE
Finally, we are on our last rule about introduction.  I am dying at the dinner table. Tonight Lukas announce that when he burped it meant he was full! I said, no, when you put your fork and knife on your plate that let's the other people at the table know that you are finished. 

THE EXECUTION
I didn't really go over this one with the kids yet.  I will use it when we run into someone briefly and when we meet someone we know on the street.  So this one will be done in a practical life scenario. But I did use it myself when I brought a friend over to another friends house last week.  I did pretty well.  I even mentioned something about each person so that they have something to instantly talk about.  Two points for Mom?  I really should have had my boys introduce their girl friends who we brought with us.  Darn! Missed out on the perfect situation! I should have read this rule last week.

MANNER #3 - What To Do When YOU Are Introduced

Before I start today, I just need to say that eating 3 meals a day with my kids has prompted me rethink a few things.  Introductions are important (and cute!), but what we really need help with immediately is TABLE MANNERS!  We need an emergency intervention at the table! So, after I finish this introduction chapter, we are switching to the chapter on table manners!!! Ms. Tina, please help me.

THE MANNER
When you are introduced to someone:

1. Smile, and say: "How do you do?" Now this is interesting, the book says do not say, "Pleased to meet you."  That is odd.  I need to research this further, is that a 1950's rule or should we use it today?  More to come on this.  For now, I will teach my kids, "How do you do?".  It also says, never say, "Hi," or "A pleasure, I am sure." (Too funny).   
2. FOR BOYS:  If you are a boy meeting another boy or man, reach out your hand, look them in the eye, and shake their hand.  If you are a boy meeting a girl, wait for her to reach out her hand first, if she does, shake her hand.  If she does not, look her in the eyes and bow slightly as you say, "How do you do?".
3.  FOR GIRLS: Smile pleasantly, look at the person you are meeting in the eyes and either hold out your hand to shake or make a small curtsy as you say, "How do you do?". Most girls these days do not curtsy anymore, however if you want to, you should do so, as it is not only considered polite but it is also charming.
4. IMPORTANT: Never crush the persons hand you are shaking nor be too slight in the pressure.  Your hand shake is an important sign of who you are.  Be confident but not too aggressive, it will make the person you are meeting feel welcome and not overwhelmed or think that you are weak.

MOMS TAKE & EXECUTION ( Together for today)
Our 3 day weekend is almost over and I am thinking that maybe we learn rules during the week and then practice what we have learned during the weekend.  One a day is definitely hard.  Anyway, we are trying to keep up! Lukas was up for the manner lesson today, but my lil one ran away.  This does not bode well for one year of manner lessons.  Oh well, I proceeded with my one captive audience member.  Okay, this is how to shake someones hand. With some minor adjustments, he got it: too light, augh, too hard, look me in the eyes, say, "How do you do?," shake my hand...You get the point.  This is a very nit picky manner, but if I teach him how to do it right the first time, then he will learn the right way.  Right?  I ask myself as I begin to doubt my process.  Maybe I need to make it more fun?  Is this totally boring?  Back to the manner lesson....If I do not give you my hand, then you must bow, too low, keep looking at my eyes, just bow slightly, one arm in front, one in back, keep looking me in the eye.

Then as I offered to make some honey tea for us because it was a rainy day here, he says to me, "Mommy, let's see how we are suppose to drink tea in the book."   My heart jumped for joy. But I remained calm and did not show my surprise nor enthusiasm. "Great Idea," I replied evenly and went to get the book.  We sat down on the kitchen floor and thumbed to the table manners section.  Well wouldn't you know, there was not anything in there about how to drink tea.  So, I had to make it up.  I couldn't tell him that there were no rules.  Because Chaos theory was not something I was going to tackle today.  Somethings have rules, somethings do not.  I proceeded with my own set of drinking tea rules:  Never slurp tea or make noise when you drink, Girls sometimes lift a pinkie finger when they drink tea, but boys never do.   It sounded pretty good. Anyway, he bought it.  So, now I am thinking I need to go back to library and get Emily Posts book as a reference book for Ms. Tina's.  I will let you know if my made up manners on drinking tea come even close to the expert Miss Post.

So, I am sitting here writing my blog and from the other room, I hear my son call me, "Lora."  I am jarred away from my thoughts on writing.  I take a breath, and calmly answer, " I do not respond to that name."  "Please call me Mommy." He ran in and said,  "I didn't call you Lora, it was Far (that is what we call my husband, their dad, because he is from Denmark and that is the word for father in Danish).   He smiled at me, which is his tell that he is fibbing.  I grabbed him in my arms, looked at him with my crooked smile and raised eyebrows suggesting that I knew who said what and squeezed him.  He smiled and then ran away.  All politeness and manners aside.  I think children should call their parents Mother, mommy, dad, father, ect.  and not by their first names.  I am sure there is NOT even a chapter in my book about what to call your parent because it is just a given.  But, I will let you know as the journey continues and our knowledge of what is polite grows.  Enjoy Presidents Day!